Tuesday, April 20, 2010

It just isn't Western

I can't believe how ducking wiped I am. I wanted to throw the f-bomb in there to get the point across, but it didn't seem appropriate. Especially when speaking in regards to one of the biggest gifts of my entire twenty-three years of life - healing. She told me this may be the case - I might feel weird and out of it for a couple of days. I feel spot on mentally, emotionally; super-clear like, I'm just physically beat. Mush-style. Too-tired-to-cook-style. Too-tired-to-carry-on-a-conversation-even-though-I-love-you-style. Too-tired-to-walk-around-style. 

Yesterday's session was incredible. So much light on this one. Maybe even more so because I did not want to go. Almost wanting to cancel my appointment because I didn't know if I'd be able to communicate how I was feeling, but knowing that was nothing more than the "old me" talking; cowering like a toad in some far off corner of my mind. I was just scared shit-less, honestly. Stuck on frightened, and maybe a little stubborn... Going through the motions of shedding your old skin, if you will, isn't comfortable. Not in the least. But, necessary for change, and change is what I'm after, so I stay and look it in the face and be with it and know it'll pass - the fear, the unknown, the darkness, the loneliness of years of pent-up unconsciousness and writing contracts with eyes and mind closed that don't even belong to the Self, but we learn, and internalize from others (even with no "wrong-doing" intended!). And guess what? It DOES (pass)! Thanks to all of the superstars in my life, and a phone call from an old friend, I was reminded that I never will in fact be alone, after all, I've got me and I've got some kick ass friends and family, too! I think these feelings just belong to the "grey void". That unknown; the "I don't actually know anymore" space. The "fine, I relinquish control" space. But, I know this is only my subconscious so desperately trying to stay, to hold on. It wants me to stay with it. Heck, we've been friends for the past twenty-three years - it's an intense breakup! Letting go of myself, of my control like this is wild, because for the first time I feel like I have nothing to hold onto but faith in my own potential power; my own fearlessness (rawrr! Every time I think about that word it literally brings a smile to my face and makes me want to "roar"). There's no looking back and it's only right here, right now. I may be deep in, digging, sorting out, etc., but like I told Ashera yesterday, I can honestly say that for the first time, I don't feel lost, and I don't feel confused and no, I'm not fibbing. I have nothing planned out, no wild epiphany of what to do with my life, but I feel like I found my path, or rather, got honest and accepted myself and realized I am on my path, and have been all along, and with the courage to get honest with myself, and to ask for assistance, regardless of "humility" has made me feel like I'm actually making it through the clearing and carving out my own way. And - I'm turning it into something really, really light-filled! Something healthy, something joyful, something sweet (something spicy), something powerful, maybe a little erotic, pretty fun and maybe something that other wimmin will benefit from one day, if not now.

It's a weird place - healing, thinking, living, loving, acting outside of Western medicine. Not that I could expect anyone to understand it, or to understand me, but believing in an alternative way is one thing, but when you actually immerse yourself deep in it and feel it and drive it, well that's a totally different sensation. I wasn't raised to know how to describe what it's like having your chakras opened up, or your energy stirred, or your demons yanked, or your invisible chest chords severed! This is foreign lands (albeit comforting to me) to my loved ones, but also to myself So, I'm caught in the balancing act. The yin and yang of life. Cookies to milk. Peanut butter to jelly: Wanting to take care of others; be there for them, but for the first time in my life, feeling like I need to take care of myself first. Another foreign concept! Wowee! Not easy. Especially when you feel like you've built your life up with your wants and needs put... last. I just hope that the love and light I can share right now with the special people around me is enough, 'cause lord knows, I'm doing what I can. I don't really know, since I haven't been there, but I don't think it's like popping medication, or seeing a therapist. It's not temporary; it's severance. What happens in that room, between Ashera and I, goes beyond words. Out of this galaxy, really. Pictures, yes. Feelings, lots. But getting into your subconscious, having someone assist you in working inside of you, through your chakras,  and your own internal energy and fire, well, it's exhilarating, and (so) exhausting. And it's hard, because I only have words to share so much when I'm asked about my "progress" and I think it leaves my friends and family pretty confused; pretty stumped, leaving the situation misunderstood. The English language just isn't great for this kind of dialogue. It's not cut and paste clear, y'all! It just isn't Western.

On a lighter note, with all of the visions I've been having and gifts I've been receiving from 'the other side', only one word comes to mind - i n k. INK! I feel so damn proud and want to decorate my body in this experience. It's the biggest thing I've ever done. I want to connect all of the elements; all of my gifts, so I've just been logging them in my new birthday journal (thank you, Bri!), making sketches, translations, research notes, heart thoughts - all o' that good stuff. However, I know this time excitement sits passenger while patience takes the wheel. 

In due time! Frotos (until next time):

1 comment:

  1. la de da, LAUREN here.. Im too lazy to sign into my blogger account.
    I'm sitting at shayne's desk, browsin' through your words, and looking out at the ocean. I just realized how huge is balcony is and need to get out there for a little kiss from the sun.
    we should share INK ideas... im thinking of getting MY FIRST. dream catcher-eqsue things are in my future. xx