Friday, April 30, 2010

'la perla de la matriz'


'la perla (de la matriz)' is finished (I went for the Spanish translation as it flows better, is closer to my heart, and Romanian felt too foreign on the tongue!). My third piece done in y e a r s, however, this one actually took me more than 15 minutes (and without the help of National Geographic cutouts from the '40s). 'the pearl of the womb' is based on one of my first visions through Ashera. If I can't articulate my sessions through words, at least I watercolour paper, dried plants and an x-acto knife.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Abril on Vashon (chapter closing!)

Wrapping up my last night on Vashon. G'folks get back from Japan tomorrow and I'm headed off to the mainland. I couldn't be anymore grateful for the time and peace and quite and separation I got here, but I'm really looking forward to heading home, hugging my family, seeing my friends and getting things into gear. And, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to getting work. After an early dinner of the most random salad possible (buck-saver), and birthday chocolates from my favorite girl, picked up from my favorite West Seattle bakery (both in which I ate with my hands - utensil-less salad: a whole lot funner, messier and you're forced to acknowledge what you're grabbin'/stuffin'), I decided to spend some time out in the garden. Threw the ball around for the dog, took some pictures and gave some thanks.

And, last night's broccoli soup (with hemp seed, avocado, mushrooms, baby greens and sprouts!):

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

It just isn't Western

I can't believe how ducking wiped I am. I wanted to throw the f-bomb in there to get the point across, but it didn't seem appropriate. Especially when speaking in regards to one of the biggest gifts of my entire twenty-three years of life - healing. She told me this may be the case - I might feel weird and out of it for a couple of days. I feel spot on mentally, emotionally; super-clear like, I'm just physically beat. Mush-style. Too-tired-to-cook-style. Too-tired-to-carry-on-a-conversation-even-though-I-love-you-style. Too-tired-to-walk-around-style. 

Yesterday's session was incredible. So much light on this one. Maybe even more so because I did not want to go. Almost wanting to cancel my appointment because I didn't know if I'd be able to communicate how I was feeling, but knowing that was nothing more than the "old me" talking; cowering like a toad in some far off corner of my mind. I was just scared shit-less, honestly. Stuck on frightened, and maybe a little stubborn... Going through the motions of shedding your old skin, if you will, isn't comfortable. Not in the least. But, necessary for change, and change is what I'm after, so I stay and look it in the face and be with it and know it'll pass - the fear, the unknown, the darkness, the loneliness of years of pent-up unconsciousness and writing contracts with eyes and mind closed that don't even belong to the Self, but we learn, and internalize from others (even with no "wrong-doing" intended!). And guess what? It DOES (pass)! Thanks to all of the superstars in my life, and a phone call from an old friend, I was reminded that I never will in fact be alone, after all, I've got me and I've got some kick ass friends and family, too! I think these feelings just belong to the "grey void". That unknown; the "I don't actually know anymore" space. The "fine, I relinquish control" space. But, I know this is only my subconscious so desperately trying to stay, to hold on. It wants me to stay with it. Heck, we've been friends for the past twenty-three years - it's an intense breakup! Letting go of myself, of my control like this is wild, because for the first time I feel like I have nothing to hold onto but faith in my own potential power; my own fearlessness (rawrr! Every time I think about that word it literally brings a smile to my face and makes me want to "roar"). There's no looking back and it's only right here, right now. I may be deep in, digging, sorting out, etc., but like I told Ashera yesterday, I can honestly say that for the first time, I don't feel lost, and I don't feel confused and no, I'm not fibbing. I have nothing planned out, no wild epiphany of what to do with my life, but I feel like I found my path, or rather, got honest and accepted myself and realized I am on my path, and have been all along, and with the courage to get honest with myself, and to ask for assistance, regardless of "humility" has made me feel like I'm actually making it through the clearing and carving out my own way. And - I'm turning it into something really, really light-filled! Something healthy, something joyful, something sweet (something spicy), something powerful, maybe a little erotic, pretty fun and maybe something that other wimmin will benefit from one day, if not now.

It's a weird place - healing, thinking, living, loving, acting outside of Western medicine. Not that I could expect anyone to understand it, or to understand me, but believing in an alternative way is one thing, but when you actually immerse yourself deep in it and feel it and drive it, well that's a totally different sensation. I wasn't raised to know how to describe what it's like having your chakras opened up, or your energy stirred, or your demons yanked, or your invisible chest chords severed! This is foreign lands (albeit comforting to me) to my loved ones, but also to myself So, I'm caught in the balancing act. The yin and yang of life. Cookies to milk. Peanut butter to jelly: Wanting to take care of others; be there for them, but for the first time in my life, feeling like I need to take care of myself first. Another foreign concept! Wowee! Not easy. Especially when you feel like you've built your life up with your wants and needs put... last. I just hope that the love and light I can share right now with the special people around me is enough, 'cause lord knows, I'm doing what I can. I don't really know, since I haven't been there, but I don't think it's like popping medication, or seeing a therapist. It's not temporary; it's severance. What happens in that room, between Ashera and I, goes beyond words. Out of this galaxy, really. Pictures, yes. Feelings, lots. But getting into your subconscious, having someone assist you in working inside of you, through your chakras,  and your own internal energy and fire, well, it's exhilarating, and (so) exhausting. And it's hard, because I only have words to share so much when I'm asked about my "progress" and I think it leaves my friends and family pretty confused; pretty stumped, leaving the situation misunderstood. The English language just isn't great for this kind of dialogue. It's not cut and paste clear, y'all! It just isn't Western.

On a lighter note, with all of the visions I've been having and gifts I've been receiving from 'the other side', only one word comes to mind - i n k. INK! I feel so damn proud and want to decorate my body in this experience. It's the biggest thing I've ever done. I want to connect all of the elements; all of my gifts, so I've just been logging them in my new birthday journal (thank you, Bri!), making sketches, translations, research notes, heart thoughts - all o' that good stuff. However, I know this time excitement sits passenger while patience takes the wheel. 

In due time! Frotos (until next time):

Monday, April 19, 2010

la perla din pintecele

Tea water is doing it's thing on the stove. Third cup. Maybe a second bag? I hate the hazelnut flavoured coconut milk creamer I bought, but with enough honey I can make this work. What can I say? I like my double bergamot earl grey tea sweet, creamy and potent as sin. Wait - what on Earth is a 'sin'? I cleared off the dining room table (kinda, sorta, enough), set my birthday flowers in plain view, turned on Loudon Wainwright III's song, 'Daughter' and decided to shift from thinking less, to feeling more, so - I make art. Working on a piece since my last session with Ashera. Had a vision. I call it, 'la perla din pintecele' (that would be 'the pearl of the womb' in Romanian, thank you!). This is new to me. But it feels good. Just letting it happen. I like art. A lot. I've just always convinced myself that I suck (majorily). But screw that. New contracts, people! Plus, everything looks new; fascinating, beautiful and I think I can feel myself smiling the whole time I'm doing It. 

Monday, April 12, 2010

I Recommend It:

The air is real sweet tonight. Notes of unidentifiable flora and fauna. That sweet scent that you wish you could capture and wear 'round your neck or adorn your pillowcase with to put you to rest. It's kind of what love smells like... to me. I got back onto the island late after my healing appointment with Ashera so I took Guinness out for a nice walk under Grey skies fading into pink and lilac puddles. We walked by Michael and I's first house, the cottage, and cruised by my favorite field. We were greeted by a sweet, white owl hovering for supper. I can't remember the last time I saw an owl. Tonight was one of those nights where you find yourself smiling inexplicably from ear-to-ear, goosebumps covering you even if the air has hardly enough of a chill and stupefied with the sheer brilliance of your own life and everything surrounding you. Where you can't tell if you may start laughing hysterically, crying hysterically or standing, staring, jaw-dropped in awe with it all. Meeting with Ashera is helping me let out emotions I haven't tapped into for some years. Getting comfortable with the darker corners of my soul (what I like to refer to as the dark goddess). My angry, wounded, resentful, wild, animal, 'hag' side (according to the new, perfectly fitting book I've purchased and will share later), and seeing them as light and not something to shun or disregard because of where my gender has placed me in this society and the expectations we face as wimmin. After all, acknowledgment is the first step to genuine, deep, graceful change.

With my eyes welling from an overwhelming feeling of wanting to burst with joy, anger, release, relief, I belted out at the top of my lungs a huge "THANK YOU!" I've always considered myself more on the shy, soft-spoken (unless inebriated) side. 'Cool', collected, but not really 'out-there' verbally (just in my own mind). However, that is only half of me. I know my other true, deep nature; the side of me I've been dying, clawing, scratching, pushing to release since leaving the sweetness of childhood and embarking on a confusing, suppressed journey into womanhood, is that of a wild, mud-kicking witchin' goddess! I tried it once... a small yell... it felt... ok, different, but not great. I knew I'd have to let go of my old self and all of my inhibitions if I really want to change, so... I roared... deep from my belly and lungs and hell it felt so good! I've always wanted to do that but never have... with fear of being heard... and in turn, being thought of as a crazy, improper female. But, all of that - those thoughts, are useless and untrue to myself and no longer self-serving. I no longer want to fear my wild, seductive, maiden side out of fear of what I may find... out of fear of what may seem 'proper' or fitting, whatever that's supposed to mean anymore. It felt so good to let myself g o . I felt a little silly, pretty proud and really strong. I recommend it: getting It out!

Once I find the words to describe my session today, I'd like to share, because we both agreed that what I'm working through is to benefit all womyn-kind. I'm doing this for all wimmin who have felt insecure in their bodies and their minds; in their wild, mysterious powers that men just cannot understand. I'm doing this for wimmin who feel suppressed, stuck, longing for something that feels missing from our lives. We're all doing this for each other. It's vibrational; it's contagious; it's so light-filled. It's really, really exciting for me; for Us.

Kale Harvest

Grandfolks are in Japan. Got to the island last week. Here, watching the house, the cats, the dog, Guinness, and enjoying the land until the 22nd. It feels so magical to be out of the city. My breath comes back, more steady; deeper. I feel whole walking along dirt paths, admiring the sweet birdsong all around me. I feel small out here. Maybe a little insignificant. I haven't met all of my powers that I can offer out as strong as my clay-coloured Mother can. Not yet, at least. It's like entering someone elses world. I'm a foreigner in a land of 'Just Be; Just Is'. But, I feel strong here. Grounded. My demons are closer to me out here, although, less overwhelming. Maybe all the flowers soften them up a bit. Everything just feels like it will be okay here. My work feels easier here. I can manage. I don't feel the need to control my thoughts - to do my best to have positive ones, and do my best not to let the negative ones surface. Here all is welcome, and I just let them pass, and know there's no harm. Nothing to fear. There's a silent, powerful, feminine-rich strength growing between the grass blades, under the flowering dogwoods, next to the wild tulips. 

After a deep morning sweat, J Dilla inspired yoga and a wander through the Vashon Bookstore for an early birthday present to myself, I came home to a kale harvest thanks to my grandpa's garden. I had 'Lost In Translation' beckoning to be played, so I turned the flame of the stove on low and cooked my garden kale with beets and asparagus and sprouts and avocado and red peppers and my variation on my grandma's oil-free hummus. I took the time to arrange everything in patterns; carefully and meticulously planned out for my aesthetic enjoyment and fulfillment. It felt good to put that much effort into myself.

hummous bi tahini
'Lebanese Mountain Cooking' Mary Laird Hamady

(2 1/2 cups serving; 6 servings)

  • 2/3 cup dry chick peas/garbanzo beans & 2 1/2 cups water (or 1 can garbanzo beans - save liquid) 
  • 1/3 cup tahini (a sesame paste)
  • 3 tablespoons saved chick pea juice
  • 1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1-3 cloves garlic, crushed (more if desired) 
If soaking own chick peas: Rinse and sort chick peas. Soak overnight in 2 1/2 cups water. Cook in soaking water until very tender, about 1 1/2 hours. You should have 1 1/2 cups. Reserve several tablespoons cooking liquid. Then either mash peas by hand or use blender or Cuisinart.
Stir/mix in tahini; then slowly add 3 tablespoons reserved chick pea juice. 
Continue mixing slowly, adding lemon juive. Mix in salt and garlic to taste.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Setting the tone:

Forgetting to pack my bra on the mainland had to have been the best accident I've made all week. There is nothing these girls like more than resting behind my crocheted bikini top all day. Must love the island life.